There is an intriguing moon out tonight—bright with a cloudy fuzz glazing over it. A waning moon. The breeze felt lovely in my hair; stubbles lifting and then sighing back on top of my head…and my legs. I better add “shave my legs” to my list of things to do tomorrow. Ferris and I enjoyed the walk. He is rather calm since I took him over to the neighbors’ house to play fetch in their fenced yard this afternoon. He needs to run it out every once in a while; I think he needs a vacation.
I asked Keith today if he would take a half day on Friday to go to chemo with me in case I start dreading going around Wednesday or Thursday. I did that last week. I kept remembering the scent of the chemo drugs and it makes my stomach turn. Odd thing though—I asked the nurses last week if the smell makes them sick, and they said they can’t smell it. It goes directly into our veins (me and the other sickos), so we don’t actually smell it through our nasal passages, but from the inside out. For me it reinforces the idea that they are poisoning me. I see myself as a rotting tomato; the kind where the skin looks good, but it has been squeezed a bit too much. Is there any way to turn that into a positive visualization that would make me want to go chemo? Perhaps inside me is a caterpillar feeding on the milkweed, which makes my body the cocoon…by spring I will emerge from the chrysalis as a majestic Monarch butterfly. Perhaps I will shed my flabby arms as well in the process. We’ll see if I buy this when Wednesday or Thursday rolls around.
5 comments:
Try thinking of your treatments as a Ms Pacman -- a million little pink eating machines that spend all their time eating cancer cells. They just eat and eat and eat. But, at the end of two weeks they start to lose energy and need to be recharged with a chemo session.
You WILL win this battle, and you will be a stronger, more compassionate person because of it. And don't let anyone tell you different, this is a war and it's waging inside you every minute of every day. I know the side effects are a pain in the ass, but they are pumping poison into you for God's sake! Of course you're gonna feel like crap. But, it won't be forever. There is an end in sight and you move towards that end every day.
You are more than just a cancer patient. You are a woman, wife, sister, daughter, friend, neice, aunt, and will some day be the best damn Mom any kid could ever ask for. You're a teacher, rugby player, rugby coach, writer extraordinaire, technology wizard, planner, and too many other things to list. This is nothing but a little blip on the screen of your life. Your life is, and will continue to be, so much more than Hodgkin's disease.
I am so damn proud of you I can hardly stand myself. You are in my heart and in my mind every minute of every day. Your smiling face reaches out to me every time I catch a glimpse of your picture. I love you, Girl, with all my heart and all my soul. Mom
Wow! What she said! Your mom rocks.
Hope you're not feeling too crappy today. I think you should visualize the chemo as liquid torpedoes aimed at your cancer. The rest of you is just trying to stay out of the way of the torpedoes.
I remember Lisa being fascinated (creeped out) by the fact that if the stuff touched her skin it would burn her, but that her veins were strong enough to not be burned.
Let's go out some night to celebrate my Missouri certification... I just found out I've got a teaching certificate in MO! Woot!
You are an inspiration with your strenght, courage and the fight in you. So many of us are in a fight of life every day and for quality of life, but do not see it as obvious as the fight of cancer. It is like we do not even have a clue that we are supposed to give it more effort. Your soul is touching me, pushing me forward on my silly little quest, which puts my worries into perspective. I appreciate you sharing yourself. You will win your war and come out victorious. Big hug, Gods love, and so many happy and good thoughts to you for continuous strenght in your day.
Susi Bowlen
I hope you have a fun weekend. Thanks again for letting me stay with you. That was fun. My head is swimming with all these new things to do. I made an avatar tonight... Yes, of all the important things I need to do, I chose to make an avatar.
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