I Don't Even Begin To Know How To Make Grey Icing

Well our Christmas tree is still a bit Charlie Brown looking because I got tired/bored with putting up ornaments, so it just has the big ones, no bobbles. The thought of wrapping the balls all up after Christmas wore me out, so I stopped while I felt there was just enough on it to call it decorated. The bottom two rows of limbs are practically bare with the exception of lights—I will tell you that it was because we did not know how Ferris would react to the tree while we were at work during the day, but I really just ran out of steam. Oh well…

The cards are done and will go out tomorrow. Nothing fancy—I actually had the forethought to buy cards after last Christmas at a good price in case this year was hectic, even though I am a handy card maker. Well, the storeboughts came in handy, so there you go.

My problem is that I always put too much on my list. My resolution for my new year (which will begin when my digestive tract is regular following my last chemo treatment on Jan. 11^th—think of it like a fiscal year…I can say it starts whenever I want) is to live simply. I resolve to only make three goodies for next Christmas’ treat boxes. I will spend the next year perfecting them. Perhaps the date nut pinwheel will have to go to an every other year rotation. Brilliant! I mean, after all, I’m not Martha bloody Stewart. Although, I think very highly of her, so yak it up you Martha-haters.

Baking was tragic this year, really. I started with the monster cookies, which I made the first two trays way too big, then overcooked em. Keith has loved those—burnt is practically his favorite cookie flavor. The next batch was the right size, but still overcooked. I have been like this child who refuses to learn from her mistakes through all of this. The date-nut pinwheel dough refused to come together—I am blaming the wheat flour at this point. They still taste good though, but the dough doesn’t have that smoothness that makes it the best old-fashioned cookie. The chocolate cutout cookies—a recipe I worked on last Christmas, has finally reached the correct choco-goodiness, but I burnt the first batch into smithereens. I baked another batch, but have been waiting to attempt Martha Stewart style icing, so I bought the tips, got out my bags, put it all together the way I remember Grams doing it in the kitchen, filled it with an icing recipe from Joy of Cooking, and the tip got clogged on the second cookie. I switched to the bigger tip, since I remembered to use couplers, and still not coming out. I think the butter was not smooth enough. What exactly is room temperature anyway?!!! Science people in my life, seriously, I need an answer to this! I stood there patiently tonight, cut my tip out of the bag, threw the bag and goopy icing away and put all of the undecorated trees in a container to give as is. I did dishes and tried to forget this ever happened. Instead, I melted the chocolate for peanut clusters—after all, who could mess those up? Don’t even get me started on the turtles…apparently they are already on the every other year rotation.

Good Times & Good News

Thanksgiving was lovely. We went up for turkey and fixings with my folks and Grams, then went on to Minneapolis the next day. It was a smooth drive, and all the better to find Pam’s smiling face on the other end. We settled into our borrowed apartment, met Pam for a fine French dinner at Cue, the restaurant at the theater, then enjoyed A Christmas Carol. It had a bit more of the Victorian carols than usual, but Keith had a good time regardless…and I always love it. The new Guthrie Theatre is amazing and beautiful, but inside the main stage it feels just like sitting in the old theater. I felt at home. The next day we had the best breakfast on the face of the Earth at Hell’s Kitchen downtown, took the light rail out to the Mall of America (Keith had not experienced it before), visited the Northern Clay Center, then took a trek out to the lake boonies to see Mike and Christie (did I spell that right sweetie?) and their four adorable kids. Oh, and Gary too—he’s unforgettable.

Now for the news on my cat scan. It looks like my lymph nodes are back to normal, which hopefully means free of Cancer. I will have the other four scheduled treatments as planned (ending January 11^th), then we will do another CT scan and PET scan to make sure I am Cancer free before getting this port out of my chest. Woohoo! I tell you though, it was the standard pulling of teeth to get my results. They did not tell me that they would not give the results over the phone until I called to get them. I had to wait for my next appointment, and they could not get me in before my regular appointment today, so here I am. We are very happy for the news. So, another treatment tomorrow, then just three more after that.

The tree is up, lights are on, and there are 3 and a half (blame Keith for the half) strands of popcorn and cranberries on it looking sparse in a Charlie Brown fashion, so I better go put some ornaments on before bed. Love you all.

Drag Queen Dolly

Well, we had a good time anyway. I really must stop doing my makeup in the bedroom without better lighting. I look less like glamorous Dolly Parton and more like a drag queen—especially in that moment Saturday night when I took off the wig and was left with the overdone face and rhinestones. I will admit though that I am loving the red nail polish. I am still wearing it; it’s called Queen of Hearts, and some of you from way back will know my penchants for interesting paint and nail polish names. I think I will keep wearing it through the holidays—it would just seem sad in January.

Keith is encouraged to find that he looks good in salt and pepper hair, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice. Kenny Rogers, eat your heart out…and the bartender at Rookies (says Jen)…and Chris Crutcher (says Mia and most librarians I know).

I saw a pulmonologist today for some odd numbers on my midway lung function test. Basically, we decided to check my lung function on that part of the test again, in case maybe it was just an off day when I tested last. Since I still don’t have any symptoms, it’s probably just a bleep, but he will take a look at my next CT scan to make sure the lungs look clear.

I have a treatment a week from Friday, then that following Monday I will have a CT scan of my whole body. So now, everybody pray that my CT comes back crystal clear. This is the deciding point for how much longer I will undergo chemo treatments. If it comes back clear, then I have 4 more treatments just for good measure, whereas if it comes back with hot spots of cancer, I will likely have 8 more treatments. I hope to know my results before Thanksgiving—at least I intend to twist someone’s arm up until Thanskgiving day.

I have not been home since I started treatment in the summer, so we are looking forward to going up for Thanksgiving. It’s Dad’s favorite holiday, so it will be nice for him as well; Mom is happy to see me anytime, anywhere. I think Dad likes the fact that as far as holidays go, we barely decorate, there is no shopping involved (except for those cooking, of course), there is less hoopla leading up to it, and the food and family aspect is lovely—plus there is nothing to take down afterwards either.

Keith and I are stoked to also be going up to Minneapolis for the weekend; Mom and Dad make great Ferris sitters, and he needs a vacation in the country. Pam is welcoming us in Minneapolis with a night at the Guthrie Theatre to see A Christmas Carol. I have loved this show since I was a kid, and I am so thrilled to share it with Keith, finally. Oh joy Mr. Fezziwig! Plus it is the new theater, which is exciting yet sad since my memories of shows and ushering are from the old Guthrie. So here is my hello ahead of time to you, my dearest Aunt Pam. Oh, Mike and Christie, Keith plans for us to try to see you to, so be looking for his call any day now.

Love to hear from all of you who email after my blogs—I’m sorry I don’t always get to replying. I know, I’m working on it. Love you all.

My Merry Angels

I cannot forget to thank my dearest angels Jenny and Patty for doing the dirty deed of cleaning my house when my world got really hectic. It was something that Keith and I always did together, so it is very hard for him to keep up on it on his own since he has also absorbed most duties we shared including cleaning litter, walking the dog, doing dishes, and gardening. My doctor wants me to stay away from any germ exposure if I can help it, although I do occasionally have to clean up when I walk Ferris. The girls were lifesavers because they did it while I was out of town for my ILA conference, so when I returned all I had to do was a couple of things to be ready for Jason, Mishy, and Addison coming. They even washed their bedding so it was fresh for houseguests. Thanks again sweeties!

Some Fatigue, but Otherwise Going Good

I know, I know…a month is way too long to keep an update from those who care about me, but what a month it has been!

Since you heard from me last I have had two treatments, so I am now halfway to the end if it all goes as planned. Mom came down for my chemo a month ago, which helped tremendously. We did the Carlos O’Kelly’s lunch outing, gabbed about work and whatnot throughout the afternoon, then she went with me to visit the Friday Drinks crowd and was welcomed with open arms since they are such good people. For my last treatment, Keith really wanted to be there for me, but it is grading time, so he sent flowers in his absence. Howard, my pal in chemo room 3 that day, said he would give his wife grief for not sending him flowers. All the gals that work there will probably embarrass the hell out of Keith when he goes with me on Friday since they were so impressed by him sending flowers even though a birthday or anniversary was not involved. Come on guys out there, if you know your chick would dig it, just do it. It truly brightened my day.

Healthwise, things are mostly the same. My doctor did ask for a lung function test a couple of weeks ago to see if the Bleomyacin was having an adverse side affect, and apparently it did, so she has nixed that chemo drug from my regimen. She is sending me to a pulmonologist, but I have yet to get a call that it was scheduled, so I’ll let you know when I know what he/she says. I don’t have any wheezing or shortness of breath, so the doctor isn’t too worried. I have always felt in general that my lungs are not big enough for my body—like I can’t quite get a full breath. It just occurred to me that perhaps my body is too big for my lungs. Like I needed another reason to lose weight. I am rather pleased that through all of this I have stayed within 5 pounds or so, which is good since some people I know have gained lots of weight. Keith and I invested in a used, mid-range ellipitical machine to keep our cardio going, so maybe that will keep me trim as I indulge this holiday season.

At work I have been out of the building many days this month. Aside from my two treatments and a particularly nauseas Monday last time, I went to a state library conference for two days, a workshop for a day, and a seminar for a day. The conference totally centered and reenergized me, plus it was great to network, pal around, and share ideas with my mentor Mia and my master’s classes buddy Mel. Lately I have had so many people asking how I like my new job, and it can be hard to know how to answer. It is a big transition from a large district to a small one, urban to rural, classroom to library/technology/TAG, and of course from high school to elementary. I am rather homesick for my relationships with high schoolers that simply don’t form with the little guys. You get to know who some of them are, and their behaviors and forming personalities, but you don’t really get to know them. Or maybe it is just me.

As a classroom teacher I used to dread the days when I had to teach MLA style for research because it is so dry, but now I yearn to make research meaningful and applicable with the knowledge I have gained through my masters program. That is what a high school librarian should be collaborating with teachers on, and I think I want to be the one to do it. I’m not saying I dislike the job I have, or that I don’t want to go every day (I’ve been there before, so I know the difference), I’m just in constant reflection of what I like and don’t like about where I am now. I won’t even get into all the stuff I don’t like about not being strictly a teacher librarian, I signed on for the mixed job, and I will do any job I accepted to the best of my abilities. I am such a nerd; I love teaching my students how to create folders in their server space to organize their work because I saw how that skill was missing in my high school students, so I figured I would nip it in the bud. One kid even created a new folder for Student Council and showed it to the teacher that does SC so that she could access it if she needed to—I was so proud to find out the skill transferred outside my 45 minutes with his class! A nerd, I know.

The best reason to keep me from blogging this month was the weekend Jason, Mishy, and Addison came to town from Denver, Colorado. Nothing big happening—just some shopping, running errands, hanging out, watching Addison and Ferris play together (he tried to hump her one or two times, so now he is Fester the Molester), and of course, eating. I baked an antibiotic free, free range chicken from the farmer’s market (you should try it). I used thyme that Keith picked from our garden, plus lemons. Apparently the bird was bigger than I though because we ended up eating at 9:30 at night and barely had room for my homemade apple pie. Good thing we had no big plans, huh? Keith made paninis the next night with the leftovers. A great time was had by all, and we are already looking forward to Christmas very much when they will be at Mom and Dad’s in New Hartford.

Finally, yesterday I was thrilled to stand up at my dear friend Holly’s wedding to Josh, the true love of her life. It was a lovely weekend full of preparation and celebration. There is a picture of Keith and I posted. Shelly did Holly and Julie’s hair and makeup, so I was having her do my makeup when she decided to add some movement to my wig with some hot rollers and a clip. The affect was fabulous, even though it made Julie and I late for pictures. I felt totally natural in it, but it is back on the Styrofoam head on my dresser and the bald look is back. It is rather cold though with so much scalp open to the air.

Look forward to next Sundayish when I will post pictures from the Halloween party next weekend. Our costumes are a secret to those planning to go to it, so mum is the word for now, but it will be good!

Waxing Poetic on a Saturday Night

There is an intriguing moon out tonight—bright with a cloudy fuzz glazing over it. A waning moon. The breeze felt lovely in my hair; stubbles lifting and then sighing back on top of my head…and my legs. I better add “shave my legs” to my list of things to do tomorrow. Ferris and I enjoyed the walk. He is rather calm since I took him over to the neighbors’ house to play fetch in their fenced yard this afternoon. He needs to run it out every once in a while; I think he needs a vacation.

My stomach is sour. I seem to be feeling a bit like I did Labor Day weekend when I just couldn’t get my digestion on track. (get it?) Now I’m on the sauce again—good ol’ milk of magnesia. The creamy cherry goo doesn’t taste horrible. It actually washes down with the water chaser quite well, but it kind of makes me cry a bit. It reminds me that I’m sick, and I don’t like to be reminded that I’m sick.

I asked Keith today if he would take a half day on Friday to go to chemo with me in case I start dreading going around Wednesday or Thursday. I did that last week. I kept remembering the scent of the chemo drugs and it makes my stomach turn. Odd thing though—I asked the nurses last week if the smell makes them sick, and they said they can’t smell it. It goes directly into our veins (me and the other sickos), so we don’t actually smell it through our nasal passages, but from the inside out. For me it reinforces the idea that they are poisoning me. I see myself as a rotting tomato; the kind where the skin looks good, but it has been squeezed a bit too much. Is there any way to turn that into a positive visualization that would make me want to go chemo? Perhaps inside me is a caterpillar feeding on the milkweed, which makes my body the cocoon…by spring I will emerge from the chrysalis as a majestic Monarch butterfly. Perhaps I will shed my flabby arms as well in the process. We’ll see if I buy this when Wednesday or Thursday rolls around.

This One is for Sindee and Cynde

My hair is not falling out. If you remember, it started falling out about 3 weeks after my first treatment, and what hadn’t fallen out was dry, frizzy, and hideous. That is when I had Jenny buzz my head. I expected the rest to fall out and be shiny bald soon after, but that has not happened. I don’t think any new hair has grown, but what’s there is a bit longer. I have stopped wearing hats or anything unless it is chilly out. I get ready so fast in the morning that I love it! One of my kindergartners asked to touch my head, but only after he asked me touch his—he did have gel in that day, so it was cool and spiky—worth poking me in the arm with the top of his head in his opinion.

As I digress…remember the boy that said he was a lawnmower? Today he demonstrated for us the difference between a skip and a gallop. He insisted that it is how long both feet are off the ground that makes the difference. Observing, well, taking part really, in the lives of these little people has been fascinating and funny. They are energy draining, but they feed you in laughs.

Back to the hair thing. Keith seems to notice whenever somebody is looking at me and my bald head. He has taken to responding to people in cars and on the street when I am driving—“What are you looking at?!” What is strange is that I rarely notice. It’s not like I have ever been someone to avoid eye contact or not be observant of my surroundings, so it is especially strange. Obviously Keith is protective of my feelings, but I think he is also a bit thrown by gadding about town with this Sinead O’Connor look-alike. I don’t have to look at it unless I choose to, but he has to see it all the time. It would weird me out a bit too.

Lortab Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night. I was painting the living room of my grandmother’s house, but all of her stuff was still there—which would make this task impossible. For some reason I was having a problem with the top of the wall facing the back yard, so Alton Brown was there helping me. You know, from Good Eats and Feasting on Asphalt on the Food Network…that Alton Brown. He didn’t like the green I was using—neither do I now that I picture it in my head. Also, the fireplace was bricked in, so we had to decide what to do about that when one of Alton’s buddies comes over to offer advice. I don’t remember what the advice was, just that Mom wasn’t there or anything—just me and these outsiders. Very strange.

The Untalk-about-able Thing

This last session has gone pretty good. I really only felt crappy for about five days after treatment-- so that’s not so bad. I asked my doc for a referral to my physical therapist for the pain in my lower back. Since I have a large herniated disk in that area, the bone pain is most noticeable in my lower back and hip and shoulder joints. Randy, the miracle-working P.T. is going to take a look at me again next week when I feel it most after the Neulasta. The stretches he gave me this week are already helping with the tightness and cramps in my left leg, but we’ll see what can be done next week when I am truly achy.

On top of the P.T. I see Deborah, my magical massage therapist every two weeks. She unkinks all the knots and pressure points that form when I let my shoulders crawl up to my earlobes, or when I brace my core for abdominal/back pain from the constipation. Yeah, I said it…I talked about the untalk-about-able thing called bathroom issues. I manage it pretty well, but most of my crappy feeling involves this issue. This might be TMI for some of you (especially my boss—sorry if you read this), but it is part of the truth of my chemo side effects. Trust me, a great visit to the “pooh parlor division” has become a triumphant moment for me.

A couple of nights this week I have not been sleeping well, so I have been fatigued at work. I am not sure if it is just the not sleeping thing since I did sleep good last night but was still exhausted today, or if it is the lasting fatigue I’ll have through most of the cancer treatment. I hope it is just a lack of sleep.

You missed out.

Well, if you did not take me up on the offer of cheesecake from Eli's, it's your own fault. Or you live very far away--so then it is understandable. The cheesecake was very tasty--silky and smooth. Strangely enough, even though I have still had the need for sweets like ice cream and doughnuts, cheesecake and m&m's have not been calling my name. So, I guess I'll have to take a roadtrip to Eli's again in the springtime when my normal appetite and cravings return to fully enjoy it. There is still one sampler cheesecake in my freezer, but that will be thawed out when Jason and Mishy come to town in October--it's just not meant to stay in the freezer forever, it should be shared.

Wife of Kel'el

Well, let’s see…Keith is healing quite well from his hernia surgery. There was a bit of an odd situation when he went into surgery—his ring and pinky fingers started going numb when they laid him out before anesthesia. Since they had no idea why, they decided to do an epidural to numb the lower half, but to keep him loopy yet awake during the surgery. He once again told them that he is the Son of Jerel (Superman), but at least nobody asked him this time where his cape is (his gall bladder surgery). He’ll be dandy and able to lift more than a milk jug in no time.

I had my second chemo treatment last Friday, with a Neulasta shot on Saturday to help stimulate my bone marrow to increase my white blood cell count. I felt fine again on Saturday (went to farmer’s market, ran errands, and went out for a great hamburger at Front Street Brewery), but the aches from the shot sucks. I was very nauseous on Sunday. Working has been fine this week, but I have had waves of queasiness along with the general crappiness and fatigue. I am mostly annoyed by how difficult it can be to focus—I don’t like not having the answers to teachers’ questions when I know I should. The kids and people at work have been great though. Since they didn’t really know me before I had cancer, they are very thoughtful not to dwell on it, rather they ask questions respectfully. I cherish the outpouring of affections of all o f my dearest friends and old coworkers, but it is nice to not have people tear up when they see you—work would be difficult otherwise.

It Makes Me Look More Like My Brother

The thing with the hair. I tried the wig for a couple of days, and I think it looked okay, but it was more like a hair hat that kept shifting around. Mind you, my strands of hair were still stuffed underneath, so it will feel different as a cue ball, but it is still a lot of hair to manage. Basically, I waited until I couldn’t stand my scraggly hair underneath a bandana, so I called up Jenny and asked her to do the deed. She was ready for me. It was just what I needed: no big emotional freakout on either of our parts, just a girlfriend cutting my hair. She buzzed me down to the last guard—I figured I could go whole razor when the stubbles start to look patchy like the dog in Steel Magnolias.

Being buzzed is so freakin’ comfortable! Although I do occasionally brush my imaginary bangs to the side of my face or start to wrap my towel on my head like a turban to dry my hair, I feel totally normal without hair. But if I want to look normal in public, I might wear my wig. It’s nice just knowing I can choose to have hair and blend in if I want to—although I do need to go get the bangs trimmed.

Toto, We're Not in High School Anymore

So, I was reading this story to the kindergartners on my first day or two of teaching that said that reading is great because it makes you feel good. I read the page that said it can help you pretend “that you are a dragon, or a princess”. So I whispered to the kids, “Now close your eyes…are you a dragon, or are you a princess?” They closed their eyes, several of them gently spurting out “I’m a princess” or “I’m a dragon,” when a boy in the back passionately states “I’m a lawnmower!” I could hardly stop laughing to continue the book.

Eli's Cheesecake Did Hear Me! Woohoo!

If you read my comments from my blog on August 13^th, you might have seen the message from the president of Eli’s Cheesecakes. I finally had a moment to call him up week, and he apologized once again for the misunderstanding, letting me know that his people will be on top of posting a store closing for the company picnic next year. My two cheesecake samplers arrived today, which is great since my folks are coming to visit this weekend. I froze one of them, but the other one is thawing in our fridge as we speak. Come by this weekend if you want to try a slice of either Original with Strawberries, Triple Chocolate, or Praline—really, we can’t possibly eat all of it, even though we’ll try.

Eli's Cheesecake Will Hear From Me About This!

Shortly after my last journal entry I was back to my old self again for the most part. I have been eating like a fool though, and now that vacation is over I must really limit my desserts. I kind of figured I could carb up for those days during my chemo session when I barely want to eat at all, except this chemo session was skipped, so I carbed up for nothing but the joy of doing it I guess. Oh my poor zippers and buttons though.

I went on Friday to do my second chemo treatment, and to possibly finish off many chapters of the last Harry Potter (I am very close, so still not ready to talk about it yet people). They did my blood work to find that a part of my white blood cell count was far too low to do treatment, so we just skip the session, and I went back to my inservice meeting on differentiated instruction, which I didn’t really want to miss anyway. No sarcasm, I really wanted to go to that meeting—it’s important to my career.

Basically, I have a longer list of precautions than my normal ones to ensure that I do not get any infection since my body is not in the best shape to fight it right now, even though I feel fine. I am not sick, that’s not what it means—it means that my bone marrow has not bounced back from the first chemo session yet; it needs two more weeks to rebound, that’s all.

On the bright side, our trip to Chicago was fabulous. Very hot for walking around, but a nice getaway all the same. Our best conversations were with fellow out-of-towners while out for dinner—it felt a bit like being on a cruise, or how I imagine it anyway since I have never been on one. The Cubs did not win, but the tickets were great. The free trolley is the way to go in the summer, and I found the best mug of chai at a boutique grocery store/deli. The Garrett’s popcorn really is great (well known in shy town), especially when you sneak it in to see Bourne Ultimatum to beat the heat—great flick.

Eli’s Cheesecake is supposed to be the best, but I wouldn’t know, and they will be getting a letter in regards to this issue. We drove out of our way (North side) to go to the Eli’s Cheesecake factory to get it fresh on our way into the city before we went to our hotel downtown. I wrote down directions from their website the night before, which is also how I found out that they are open on Sunday—except not the Sunday that we decide to go. Noooooh, it was their staff picnic, so they were closed! This was on my list relating to our vacation theme: Things You Can Only Do In Chicago. It made for a sour start to the trip when getting back to the hotel was less than easy and we barely got the car parked in an underground garage (garnished by homeless people) in time to hop the Red Line to Addison for the Cubs game—and it was Lollapallooza a block from our hotel. Cheesecake would have made all of those problems better, so Eli’s will be hearing from me.

I found a great wig, but no, I will not send photos until I actually need to wear it. Which could be tomorrow. This morning I started getting a few more hairs in my shower than I like—more than just a few. I don’t know though, it might hold out until the weekend. Shaving my head just doesn’t seem like a weekday thing to put on my to-do list. Saturday seems much better. I might just wear the wig with my comb-over underneath until the weekend if I have to . As far as the wig—it is a lovely brunette with red highlights, and Keith picked it out. Very sexy, he says. We’ll see if it makes me feel sexy—I’m not holding my breath.

Oh yeah, Keith. Well, he is having hernia surgery on Wednesday morning, so he will be missing his first three days of the school year. Thank God his mentor is a retired teacher who is willing to sub for him—Jane is fabulous, and he never worries when he leaves his classes in her hands. A couple of people have told us that hernias can be brought on by stress, but I cannot possibly imagine what could have stressed him out. He’s ready to get it all patched up and back to working out in good time. His folks are coming down for the surgery, so I’ll have some company in the waiting room, which is nice.

I have prattled on long enough. I send my love to all of you, and I hope to answer some of your emails this weekend.

It's Not So Bad

My first chemo session was last Friday. Keith and I met local friends and family downtown at Mac’s for a last cocktail or two on Thursday evening before I’m off the sauce. I made sure to limit my martinis though since I didn’t want to go into treatment feeling crappy the next day.

My treatment went off without a hitch. I was a bit surprised to find out that my port is under the skin, not under the steri-strips covering my incision. So they basically poke through the skin (no biggie now that I’ve done it) to access the port, then go through the series of drugs and saline flushes. First, they give me an anti-nausea injection, which is what has really changed the face of cancer treatment from twenty years ago. Then they gave me a steroid—I can’t remember right off if that is also for nausea, I’m going to have to look in my binder. Then they gave me my four chemo drugs. Then they flushed me, added some coagulant to avoid bleeding out of my port, and I was done in about 3 hours. Keith and I read magazines and watched The Princess Bride—I was astounded that nurses actually had to ask what movie it was when they came in—isn’t it permanently imprinted in the back of everyone’s mind by now, or is that just me? When I got home I slept a bit, but otherwise I felt okay.

On Saturday I was pleased to feel ok, with just some nausea, but I rested while I could. We went to the cheapo movies to see Surf’s Up (don’t bother!) and came home to cook a lovely Spaghetti Pie that Jenny dropped off earlier. I felt mostly the same on Sunday thinking that I would be ready to work on some of my projects on my list on Monday.

On Monday I felt a bit crummy, but the gals and I went on a wig shopping trip. I kept waiting for the “right” one to happen, but in the end I kept making comparisons to bad wigs/hair in movies: Whoopi Goldberg in a blond wig in Jumpin’ Jack Flash, 9 to 5, Tootsie, Wayne’s World, Hairspray. They were all too wiggy, but she ordered one for me to see next week. Did you know that Raquel Welch only wears wigs? We are going to try another place here in town and consider looking further out if necessary. I think I might be more of a scarf and hat person day to day than I thought. I left with a headache because the only one I remotely liked was too small.

I feel about the same today. Some of the side effects are catching up with me now. I have a lack of appetite, but I have to eat anyway, even though I have a dry mouth. My insides are not right, but nobody needs to hear about that. I am fatigued and I can’t seem to get interested in anything for very long. I think some of that is the emotional part of waiting for more side effects to appear: it’s like I am my own lab project for observation. Once I get through this first cycle I’ll know what to expect to some degree which will help me focus and move through it the next time. Thank goodness I am an educator and have this time to deal with it all before school starts up.

Keith takes care of me and makes sure that I eat something. He is also enjoying Asteroids and Shark Week during this time of caregiving. He is downstairs on the wheel now, so look forward to some beautiful things from the kiln for this Fall sale. He has already promised himself to make coffee mugs for all of the nurses and my doctor—it is already a very long list of wonderful people.

Tomorrow I will take a few things to my desk at Neil Armstrong Elementary to get myself situated, then I have some software training to attend in the afternoon. I am looking forward to getting settled in my new job.

Thanks again for all of the happy thoughts and cards. Our shrine is building on the buffet, and is therefore a pleasant reminder of all of my support every time I wander aimlessly to the kitchen. Soon I will get a blog up and running to make news sharing easier. We are going to Chicago for a quick getaway Sunday to Wednesday, catching a Cubs game while we are there. It will be a nice distraction for both of us.

Health Issues Update

I should have emailed soon after my office visit on Friday, but I got caught up in living all weekend. I hope none of you have been worried by my belated communication.

Basically, I had a very good appointment with the oncologist. Keith was there of course, and Mom drove down just to be there. She has been great support, and an indispensable stenographer—her notes help me piece together anything that was fuzzy after we get home.

My test results went as follows: my abdominal CT was clear and my PET scan showed no activity below the diaphragm; my bone marrow biopsy/test was also clear. This means that the lymphoma has not spread beyond my neck and chest, so it has not gone beyond Stage 2, which is great. At this news, Keith breathed a huge sigh of relief—he must have been holding it in for a week. My baseline tests for heart and lung functions were very good, but will be monitored later in my treatment to see if the drugs have any negative side effects on those organs which would need to be treated/protected.

The strange part of this visit was that Dr. Chitneni said that there were three options for treatment—we had all thought that the chemo plan was the only option, so I was not mentally prepared to make choices. She said that all three options have the same success rate, so my course of action was up to me. Option 1 is to do chemo until my scans are clear. Option 2 is to do less chemo, then do radiation of my neck and chest after the chemo is done. Option 3 is to do just radiation, without chemo at all. We all (including Chitneni) agreed that the combination option (number 2) was not plausible—why choose a path that has two full sets of possible side effects? So we weighed the side effects of radiation (increased chance of damaging the heart/lungs, and increased chance of cancers in that area later: breast, thyroid, lung, fatigue) against chemo (nausea, hair loss, fatigue, minor neuropathy). I am vain. I do not want to lose my hair. Without my hair, even with a wig, it will be hard for me to forget, and I think for others to forget, that I have Cancer. In my mind, if my outsides could look the same, aside from a couple scars and some fatigue, then it would be easier to go about life as usual. In the end I used my brain…why choose a path that has a higher chance of putting me in this place again…I chose the chemo. Apparently that is good, since after I said it Mom and Keith voiced their concern that they were going to have to manhandle me into it, in a very nice way of course.

I will see the surgeon tomorrow about putting my port in. The port is like a valve on an inflatable ball that is sewn into my vein so that when I do treatments they will not have to do an IV every time—it also makes it less chance that the chemicals could damage my tissue. It is likely that I will begin chemo the end of this week.

My treatment will be every other week for at least 6 months. At four months, we will do the scans again to see if it is still there, or if it has been eradicated. If it is gone, we will do the other 2 months for good measure. If it is not gone at four months, we will do 2 more months, then do scans again, then likely 2 more months of chemo.

I feel ready for this now. Thanks again for all of your prayers, well wishes, and offers of helping hands—Keith and I truly appreciate it. I will continue to update you in this fashion—the journaling has been quite cathartic.

I Have Some News

As I was driving home from my first day of summer class at UNI, I felt a lump on the base of my neck; it is really just above the collarbone on the right side. I was able to get in to see my doctor a few days later, which led to x-rays. This moved me on to an Ear, Nose, and Throat guy, who did a needle biopsy of the lump. The results were inconclusive, so I was scheduled for a CT of my neck and chest, as well as an open biopsy surgery later that week. The initial results were also inconclusive, so it was sent on to the University of Iowa Hospitals for further testing. Approximately one month after my first doctor’s visit, I finally had a diagnosis: I have Hodgkins Lymphoma, also known as Hodgkins Disease. Of the lymphomas, this is the good one to have because the oncologist said we can actually talk in terms of curing it, not just treating it.

Aside from the lump on my neck, I feel fine—no other symptoms, so we hope that I am at the earliest stages. Because the CT showed oversized lymphocytes in my neck and chest, I am at least a Stage 2, but more tests will define whether it has progressed more than that. I had a bone marrow biopsy on Friday, which was not as painful as other people have experienced. My darling oncologist does not believe in needless pain, so there was plenty of Lidocaine involved since my bones are so strong from all of my milk drinking and love of cheese. Tomorrow I will have a PET scan and a CT of the abdomen. I see my oncologist on Friday for the results of all of these tests to determine an exact path. At this time it is a definite that I will have chemotherapy every other week for six months; this will likely begin in the next two weeks. I will lose my hair, so there will be a wig shopping trip in the near future. I have been growing it out since last fall, and it just has not been doing what I want anyway, so maybe it will be better when it grows in the next time.

Keith has been the amazing man he always is—and I sure am glad I have never taken that for granted. My mom came down to Davenport for my open biopsy and the first visit with the oncologist, which has put both Keith and me at ease. My dad was also able to stay with us for a night on his way through the Quad Cities, which helped all of us feel a bit more grounded. Our friends gathered around us on the day I was diagnosed, which was very comforting.

Right now, aside from appointments, we are living our regular life. Obviously, we have stopped trying to conceive, although we were told that the chemo I will have will not sterilize me, so that is good. This weekend we spent some time around the campfire with Keith’s brother and his wife and daughter, as well as a nice dinner with his folks. Most of our time was spent repainting the basement stairwell and steps, which looks fantastic. Perhaps I will send my before and after pictures with my next journal entry.

Also, I am busy trying to wrap up my summer class and get my endorsement in order since I accepted a new job in the middle of this hubbub. Many of you know that I took that last year off of teaching to pursue my School Library Media Studies towards an MA. I am near the finish line, and was lucky to find an elementary teacher librarian position open up this summer in North Scott, a rural district on the edge of the Quad Cities in Iowa. I am very excited for this new career path, even if it will have a bit of a rocky start.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Even if I am not religious, I am a spiritual being, and Keith is a rusty Catholic, so we welcome your prayers and energy. I’m sure as treatment begins I will need some help with things along the way, but right now we are doing fine. I will try to send updates as we know more.